Suddenly I Have Cancer

Oh my god, it happened in an instant.  Really, while I had been having a number of small things that were bothering me, in no way did I guess that I had a very deadly disease.  When I read my abdominal CT report, which could not be interpreted in any other way than as very bad news, my first reaction was disbelief.  There I was, on a beautiful fall day, standing on my front porch and found out in the most unceremonious of ways that I was in very big trouble.

Last week I met with a woman who was treated two years ago and her reaction was almost the same.  "What?  Me?  I can't have cancer?"  She is actually an ovarian cancer researcher, so it was probably even harder for her.  Not to mention that she knows exactly where the science is and it is not where we might hope it would be.

The next thing that happened for me was to start to mourn all the things that I might very well miss,  things that I really thought would happen for me.  Like being able to retire, spend time late in life with the husband I adore, meet my grandchildren, who I am not even picturing yet.  In one moment all that future can slip away from you.  Fortunately, even though I am a terrible pessimist, I am also a realist and I did start to enumerate the many blessings that I have had, including that wonderful husband who I was very fortunate to meet early in life, so I have had many many good times with him, children who I would never ever have had if he hadn't been so insistent on it, a job that is meaningful to me, and the love and support of family and friends who have made this life so very sweet.  It was a very intense day indeed.

So pray that I get to make many more trips around the sun, that the treatment I get is good enough to keep me going because while I have have had a good life, I am not quite done yet.